I’ve recently discovered something wonderful.
I’m a lazy, cheap asshole and don’t own a blender, but I’m addicted to juice and smoothies and blended things. Fuck.
Well, about two or three months ago, I was in Publix buying some concentrated apple juice, which is disgusting by the way, spend the extra two bucks and get some real apple juice. Ya cheap bastards. Anyways, I see this thing, Dole Fruit Smoothie Shakers with real fruit and yogurt, strawberry flavor. It states “Just add juice and shake! No blender needed!” Well fuck me! That’s right up my alley!
Now I didn’t have high hopes for this nonsense, because I never have high hopes about gimmicky crap, especially not gimmicky food crap, but I figured I’d give it a shot.
Now I drink V8 Splash Diet religiously. It’s only got 10 calories per serving, and I pretty much just have the bottle next to me throughout the day, and the entire bottle is only 80 calories. So I can juice it up without wrecking myself with liquid calories. I grabbed a bottle of Berry Blend and threw a couple of these newfangled Shakers into my cart.
Alright, so I get home and read the directions. I’m supposed to shake it before adding juice, to get the clumps less clumpy. Sure, no problem. Shake, shake, shake. I do that, and then see the little fill line where I add my juice. You can make it EXTRA THICK or just plain THICK. Well. Come on. Would you pick thick over extra thick? Fuck no you wouldn’t. Everybody wants something thicker than regular thick. Thick, thick, thick. I’m done, I’ll stop with that now. So I pour in my juice, and proceed to shake it for the suggested 30-45 seconds. I actually really like this part. I pretend that I have one of those Shake Weights, and I like to shake it up in front of my boyfriend while making suggestive faces. But it’s never really sexy because I’m shaking too vigorously and trying to get it perfect. Eh. I try. Kind of.
After about a minute of shaking, I take the lid off, and surprise, surprise, this shit is actually super thick! WHAT! It’s like I went to freaking Tropical Smoothie and ordered a fresh one, only instead of costing twenty bucks for that shit, it cost me like one buck. Because they were two for $1.99 that day. And every day since. Because since that first sip, I’ve been hooked. I now buy about 7 per grocery trip, which means I have one every morning for breakfast. They’re actually delicious, and pretty hard to fuck up, unless you WAY overfill it. And even then, it’s like drinking a smoothie that’s been sitting on your desk for an hour. Still delicious, just not thick. Shit. I couldn’t help that one. There’s a ton of different flavors, but I usually stick with strawberry because that way whatever flavor my V8 is, I won’t fuck up my smoothie. Oh, awesome fact? The shaker itself contains 90 calories. My juice contains 10. This is a 100 calorie breakfast that gives me energy and keeps me going for the early part of the day. (I’ve mostly given up caffeine, but more on that later.)
My verdict? Go out and try one. If you don’t like it, hell, you can always send it to me. I’ll drink it. These things are magic, and perfect for the non-blender-endowed consumer like myself.