Neutrogena Naturals Multi-Vitamin Nourishing Moisturizer

A few weeks ago, I ran out of my wonderful Yes to Tomatoes Moisturizer. I was super sad about this, but figured it’d be a good time to try a new face lotion.

Hah.

I had to go to Publix anyways, in order to get my grocery shopping done. I stopped in the cosmetics aisle and picked up Neutrogena Naturals Multi-Vitamin Nourishing Moisturizer.

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(See my pretty new nail wraps? Those are by Essie. Review going up tonight or tomorrow!)

It cost about $15.99. The packaging was really pretty, very pale, sage green. Talking up all the benefits. Claiming that it “Replenishes essential skin nutrients + continuous nourishment throughout the day.” The package stated that it won’t clog pores, and of course, Neutrogena is dermatologist recommended. Nice. It contains vitamins B, C, E and antioxidant omega bionutrients. It’s also stated to be 97% naturally derived. Well fuck me. My Yes to Tomatoes is only 96% naturally derived! THIS SHIT IS GONNA BE AWESOME. 

Well, I get home, put my groceries away, and wash my face to prep for the lotion. I’ve used Neutrogena face washes in the past with varying degrees of success, the blue foaming face wash always worked wonders, and it also removes makeup quite effectively, so it’s in my shower regularly. I’m currently using Burt’s Bees Soap Bark and Chamomile Deep Cleansing Cream which I’m madly in love with. The scent alone is enough to make your pores dance. Anyways, washed my face. Patted it dry. Pulled out the Neutrogena Naturals.

I open the flip top lid and dispensed a small amount of the moisturizer onto my finger tips. I noticed right away that it was very cold and runny, so I gooped it back into the bottle, shook it up, and tried again. Same thing. Okay, so this stuff is more thin than what I’m used to, I can live with that. I started at my neck and worked my way up to the top of my forehead. It’s something I learned from a Mary Kay lady years ago at a Mary Kay party. She said “Ladies, we have enough working against our face to drag it down. When you apply anything to your face, bring it up.” It made sense in my 17 year old brain, and it makes sense now, eight years later.

Okay, the next thing I noticed was the scent. Um. This stuff is supposed to be natural. 97% natural, in fact. I think that they spent the other 3% on bottling the smell of public restrooms. This lotion is BAD. Like, at first you think it smells kind of nice. Not too strong, not too light…But then, you finally place it. A freshly cleaned truck stop restroom is still a truck stop restroom, and that’s what this smelled like. Oh my god. Gag me with a spoon. 

So I did what anyone who doesn’t like to spend a ton of money, but at the same time splurges nearly every other day on hair and makeup and nail stuff, and I sucked it up. I figured I’d give it two weeks, see if it worked wonders on my skin. I could always add an essential oil to it later to spruce up the gnarly stink that it gave off, plus, it’s not like anyone else could smell it. I wear BB cream and foundation which I’m sure could cover it up.

Well. It’s been two weeks, and do you know what?

FUCK THIS GARBAGE. 

I NEVER break out. I get one pimple here or there, and I can usually fix it overnight. That happens maybe every four to six months. MAYBE. Well, since using this shit, I’ve developed SIX spots on my face. One under my nose, one by my mouth, two near my hairline and one on each temple. How fucking disgusting and unacceptable is that? Even as a teenager, I never had that many at once. So now I have to stay indoors for the next three days and wear no makeup in order to clear my skin up, and I’ll tell you right now, this crap is going in the garbage.

I’ve had some lotions and moisturizers that don’t work well. Some leave me feeling greasy. Some allow sunburn, even though they claim they have SPF (which, by the way, this does NOT even have), I’ve had some that just plain work poorly, either leaving my skin unmoisturized or scaley. This, however, is the opposite of what I want.

Underneath my makeup, it seemed to create areas that allowed for my powder foundation to bunch up and become very noticeable. When I went without makeup, it didn’t help with my nose becoming oily. The smell is bad. The price is high. The packaging is pretty.

That’s it.

That’s the one good thing about this moisturizer that I can honestly claim: The packaging looks nice. 

My verdict?

Don’t waste your money and go buy Yes to Tomatoes like I should have done in the first place.

Do you have any experiences with Neutrogena Naturals? Is it just me? Do you think that restrooms smell good? I’d love to hear from you!

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Fantasy Makers Glitter Liner and Confetti Review

I looooove Halloween

Not because I dress up in costumes or go to parties or any of that shit.

Because Fantasy Makers comes out! 

For those of you who don’t know, Fantasy Makers is made by Wet n’ Wild. You’ll probably recognize that as an inexpensive drugstore brand. Well, every year since just about forever, I’ve gone fucking crazy when their stuff hits the stores, because for some reason, it’s waaay the hell better than anything Wet n’ Wild normally puts out. (Hahaha, puts out.) 

They sell false eyelashes, loose glitter, black and blood red lipsticks, face paint, eyeliners, temporary tattoos, body makeup, sparkly eyeshadows, kits to give you a certain look (vampire, witch, butterfly), and this year they’re also doing nail wraps, which I am currently all over. (I have a review of Essie Sleek Stick that I need to put up sometime soon!) I haven’t found the nail wraps yet, but I did go in and spend my first little wad of dough on the Glitter Liner and Confetti, which is what they call the loose glitter (it comes in a lot of colors, but my Walgreens is cheap and stupid and only had silver). Now, for a big ass vial of loose silver glitter: Image

It only cost $1.99. WHAT.

Yeah. 

That’s right. And it’s excellent quality as well. You can use it on your body with an adhesive gel (or by itself if you don’t mind fallout), or as an accent on your eyes, lips or even fingernails without irritation. Some people have more sensitive skin and might have a problem with it. I don’t. I don’t know anyone who has. Test it out first and make sure, guys. I don’t want my little bloggies coming up later and telling me how their once beautiful eyes have been removed because a speck of Confetti got in their little seeing globes. 

Okay, so my second purchase was the Glitter Liner. Now, I love glitter, guys. I really do. I don’t love it all over my body or my face, but used as an accent, it can be exactly what you need to make your features pop.  

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I got my Glitter Liner in silver as well, and it cost me $1.00. That’s right. One effing dollar. WHY AREN’T YOU BUYING THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW GUYS?

I’ve recently become addicted to makeup tutorial videos on YouTube. Not anyone in particular, and not because I really need a how-to for my makeup. Instead, it gives me awesome ideas because frankly, after 10 years of applying my own, I’ve run out of ideas. I can’t just go around with a kickass smokey eye all the time, even if it does look nice. And it gives me ideas as to what products I would want to buy without having to trial and error them. Well, after seeing a few tutorials that showed a glitter liner being used on the top lid, I thought I’d try it for myself. 

What was done in the video (Check out http://www.youtube.com/user/TymetheInfamous for full tutorials and so I can properly give her credit) was that she used a glitter liner on her upper lid, then dabbed loose glitter over it while it was still wet, so it was SUPER sparkly. I didn’t care about anything else she did, I just wanted to recreate THAT. I mean, it makes perfect sense. Going back to elementary school, squirting Elmer’s Glue all over a piece of paper, dumping glitter on the whole thing and shaking it back off? Same thing, but on my eyeballs. 

The very first thing I did was to apply tape from the outer corner of my eyes to the end of my eyebrows. This allows for a clean line and less fall out. Then I started my actual makeup application with a primer. I actually use Wet n’ Wild’s Fergie collection primer, Take on the Day. It works just as well as any primer I’ve ever used that cost 10 times as much. It’s about $4.50 at drugstores. After applying the primer up to my brows, I used a white shadow Maybelline Chic Naturals in Vanilla and applied it to the inner corner and first third of my eye. I then took my Wet n’ Wild Spoiled Brat color palette and applied the pink shadow to the middle of my lid, blending slightly with the white. I then took a shimmery black shadow from the same color palette and applied it to the outer corner of my eye, blending up and with the pink, to soften the lines. I took my white shadow again and dusted it on along my brow bone, blending the pink and black softly at the edges. I removed the tape and took a very small, angled brush to add pink underneath my eye. I took the Fantasy Makers Glitter Liner and (the brush is great, by the way. It’s very long and thin and makes for an incredibly easy application) used it just like I would with a normal black liner across the top of my lid. Immediately afterwards, I took the Fantasy Makers Confetti and using a small, angled brush, dipped it into the glitter and applied it carefully along the glitter line. I then did the ol’, my-mascara-won’t-dry-fucking-fast-enough-so-I’m-gonna-blow-air-up-at-my-eyeballs trick. That got rid of the loose glitter that had fallen while applying. I repeated the same thing on my other eye and then added black liner on my lower lid, and mascara. 

Here’s the result:

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Not bad, right? In person, they really pop and it gives me exactly what I need! 

Of course, now I’m using glitter liner for all of my eye makeup looks. 

But it’s fucking glitter!

Okay, so my verdict on Fantasy Makers Glitter Liner and Confetti is that it costs less than the value menu at McDonald’s, and it looks a lot better on you. It’s obviously not the greatest quality of anything, but it absolutely is doable, there’s no runny goop, the glitter isn’t aggravating, the application is simple, the brush is good, you get a lot for your money and it looks awesome!

There are a lot of products that they have around Halloween, and my biggest problem is that not one of those products (except for the loose glitter) will make it to next Halloween. They just don’t have a long life. Maybe February or March, if you’re lucky. But hey, that’s spring and you don’t need to vamp it up then anyways. 

Thanks for reading, guys! 

I’d love to see what you create with glitter!

It Works! Slimming Body Wrap Review

Recently, a friend of mine has begun selling body wraps. These wraps claim to help tighten, firm and tone different parts of your body. You can purchase one wrap for $25 or for best results, buy a box of four for around $65. I decided to just get one, to see how it worked and if I liked it.

Immediately after submitting my payment, Michelle, my distributor, shipped my wrap to me. It took about two days to arrive. It was safely packaged inside a large envelope.

Okay, so I’ve been dying to try these things for ages now. I’m not really overweight, technically, but there’s parts of my body that could do with some tightening up, ya know. I was super stoked to get to try one out, as I’ve been reading conflicting information on them for a while. Some people scream the benefits from the rooftops, from trimming excess inches to detoxifying the body to reducing stretch marks and more. Others scoff at them and claim it’s a bunch of bogus bullshit and you’re doing nothing more than rubbing lotion on your skin and letting it sit. Either way, the concept was super intriguing and I was really excited when it arrived.

Well, I went up to Walgreens in order to purchase Saran Wrap, but all the employees kept saying things to me and asking if I could find everything alright, and instead of getting the one thing I went to Walgreens for, I got a pack of razor blades and some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream bars for my boyfriend. Ugh. This is why I need to write things down. Well, Michelle assured me that I could just wear a tight-fitting shirt over the wrap, and as long as I stayed still, it would be fine. Like I was going to move. I’m not taking any chances of doing this wrong!

So this morning I get up and take some before photos. As you can see, I’m not huge, but there’s problem areas. Also, I didn’t realize that my skin is the same color as my walls, so I’m sorry that there’s difficulty in these. The after photos I did turned out better.

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After this, I got out my wrap, my tight shirt, and a gallon of ice water. Since the wrap is detoxifying you, you need to drink loads of water in order to help it along. You’re supposed to drink half of your body weight in ounces. Well, that’s a lot of fucking water. I was going to have to do my best.

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I carefully cut along the dotted lines (I’m such a good girl) and removed the wrap from the packaging. It smelled amaaaaazzinnngg. Very minty, with some lavender maybe? It was fantastic. Yum. The directions state to put it on your desired area for 45 minutes. Michelle said that since I don’t have sensitive skin, to feel free to leave it on for up to an hour. So an hour it was to be. Using hot water, I washed off the area I was going to place it, then dried off. This helps to open up your pores so you get maximum benefit. I placed the wrap carefully across my stomach and over to my love handles. Gross. I pulled down my super tight shirt and laid carefully in bed, e-cigarette in hand, nail polish ready to go.

I ended up drinking the full gallon of water. I thought I was going to die from the amount of liquids sloshing around in my belly. I painted my nails, did my makeup and played some Diablo III while I waited for it to be done. Hooray! Productive while not moving!

So at the end of the hour, I removed the wrap and discarded it, rubbed in the lotion that was remaining on my skin and looked at the results

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Alright, so the first one definitely wasn’t a miracle. There was some obvious tightening over the area that I placed it, which was nice. My pooch (ugh) wasn’t quite so noticeable. But what I was most pleased about was that it lightened up my stretch marks! I’m so excited! It has been about 24 hours since using the wrap now, and I can still see the results! I had a baby for my aunt nearly six years ago, and I got ridiculous stretch marks in a belt all the way around my stomach. So to see how much of a difference there was made me nearly cry. The photographs don’t do it justice. You’ll have to forgive me, I’m using a Samsung Galaxy SII to take pictures with, and I’m no pro.

My verdict: If I could afford to throw down $65 a month on a four-pack of these, and do it for several months, I absolutely would. If you’re looking for a quick tone for the beach, or if you have stretch marks like me and want to have them be less obvious, I would recommend getting them once in a while. I’m not sure exactly how long the results last, but it’s been over a day and I’m still very pleased. It was a relaxing hour to myself, I liked how my stomach looked after using, and my whole house smelled super yum after using it.

All in all, I think this is a great product, and you should absolutely try it at least once. If you’d like to go through the same distributor I use, go to her website.

Sally Hansen Salon Effects Review

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I recently reviewed Kiss Nail Dress, and stated that I figured they’d last about three days because I type professionally. Well, those things stayed on until yesterday morning, when I took them off. No chipping, no discoloration, perfect!

Well, I got so excited, because maybe they really ARE worth the seven dollars or so that they cost, if they’re going to last for that long.

Well, I decided to go up to Walgreens and buy another set, because they make me feel pretty and I liked them quite a bit. 

Well, I see that Sally Hansen Salon Effects are on sale. Buy one at 10.49, get the second half off. Welllllllllll….I’m a sucker for sales. 

So I grabbed two boxes:

Tattoo Much

Love Letter

 

Okay, so first I put on the Tattoo Much ones, which are beautiful in the package, and look fantastic…On really long fingernails. In order to get the most out of the stunning design, you have to have pretty long nails. Mine aren’t super short, but they only come to about my fingertip, and these nail strips just didn’t look very nice. I had part of a bird’s head and a corner of a banner, a splotch of blue with a quarter of a rose, etc. So I removed them to try Love Letter instead. 

About removing them:

Unlike the Kiss Nail Dress, Sally Hansen Salon Effects are actual nail polish strips. As in, you remove them with nail polish remover. This was a little strange and took longer than removing normal nail polish. 

Now on to the Love Letter.

Applying them wasn’t really hard, but it wasn’t as simple as the Kiss Nail Dress. First you peel off the protective plastic sheet, then you remove the nail strip from its backing. Then you apply it to your nail, stretching it over the top. You have to be careful that you don’t stretch it too much, otherwise your design will get messed up. I put the remains from each sticker back onto the backing, in order to use on my terrible manicures-to-be. The kit comes with a little manicure stick and a small pink nail file. The manicure stick really came in handy for getting these up to the edge of my cuticles, and allowed me to perforate the edges, which made it very easy to pull off the scraps. The soft side of the pink file was good for getting the little edges off the stickers without filing my nails down. The dark side was good for softening up corners of my nails.

After applying all of the nail stickers, I applied two coats of Sally Hansen Double Duty Top Coat to each nail. 

After all of this was done, they looked beautiful! That’s me in the picture. I was super stoked at how they turned out. My boyfriend was impressed. The girl who delivered my food earlier complimented them. Awesome.

But then I had to test them. I washed the dishes. I took a shower. I applied makeup. I did my hair. I took pictures. I typed for a couple of hours. I gave my cat a bath.

 

Hmmmm…

Well, these don’t hold up nearly as well as Kiss Nail Dress. I can already see signs of wear on them. My thumb has a chip in it, as well as my index finger on my right hand. There are little dents in it since I had to apply two coats of top coat. The color looks a little bit dirty, even after washing my hands. They still look really great from a distance, but close inspection doesn’t appear so nice. 

I could see myself getting two to three days of wear out of these before they get too bad. 

Verdict?

Not worth it. I know I said that before on the Kiss Nail Dress, but comparing the two has shown me that the KND are far superior. Easier application, more hard wearing. The Sally Hansen Salon Effects have a lot more designs, but only include 16 stickers per kit. The Kiss Nail Dress includes 28. 

Sally Hansen Salon Effects are normally priced at 10.49 at Walgreens.

All in all, still glad I tried this. My nails are still beautiful, I can’t stop looking at them! They look great on my shorter nails, and I’m sure they would look great on long ones as well. The Tattoo Much version weren’t very good on nails my length. They are removable with nail polish remover. I probably will not purchase these again, unless it was a very special occasion.

Kiss Nail Dress Review

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I have a confession to make.

I bite my nails.

I’ve always done it. 

And it sucks.

Recently, I’ve begun doing a bunch of shit to my nails to keep me from nibbling. I have an ever growing collection of pretty polishes, from Indie companies, local polishers and the local drug store. I have all the manicure tools. I have a glass nail file. All the goods.

Another confession? 

I’m addicted to magazines.

They’re so fun to look at and I get ideas for makeup and other stuff from them. I am by no means any kind of a glamour girl, it’s just a guilty pleasure.

Well, in an issue of Cosmo a few months back, they had a sample of Kiss Nail Dress. These are little sticker things that you peel off and apply to your own nail. You file off the excess around the edges, and voila! Pretty hands! 

This is perfect for me, because my next confession is…

Even though I have all of those fun tools and crap in my nail bag, I suck at painting my own nails. I do great with French manicures, if I have the stickers for them. I can glue an acrylic on with ease. But painting them? I try and try and try, and I just suck at it. I tend to stick with a plain color with some kind of glitter over the top to cover up all the bumps and uneven shit on them. 

So back to Kiss Nail Dress. 

I popped them out of my magazine and onto my nails, lo and behold, the things actually fit on my misshapen, bitten up, crap nails. 

I think I found a lifesaver. 

Well, I leave the sample ones on for a couple of days. They lasted through a shower and washing dishes. They lasted through putting on makeup and taking makeup off. The lasted through styling my hair, vacuuming and giving my cat a bath. Huh. These might actually be worth it.

I drove up to Walgreen’s, those months ago, and saw the bitches were like 10 bucks a pop.

Pffffft. My nails aren’t long and nice enough to throw away that kinda dough.

So I waited and waited until I grew my nails out, keeping myself from biting them. Shaping them and loving them and hardening them and strengthening them. 

And today, I went out and bought a package.

From Walgreen’s. For $6.49. The style is called Camisole, but I’m going to call it Zebra Fuck You. It’s black and white zebra lines, all random on each sticker so it doesn’t look QUITE like you had to put a sticker on your hands because you suck at painting your nails. It was super easy to apply them, just peel and stick. The package comes with a mini nail file that is pink on one side and blue on the other. The blue side would be if you got the Nail Dress that has jewels on it. The pink is for “fashion strips”. Well, I used the blue side because the pink side is for pussies. That would be my main complaint so far, the pink side of the nail file is very light, and didn’t seem to do much. 

Each package contains 28 stickers in different sizes. I picked out the ones that would fit my nails and did them, one at a time. I filed off the excess sticker, and then placed the pieces I cut off back onto the sticker sheet. After finishing all of my nails, I applied a very, very thin topcoat, because I can’t handle having nails that aren’t shiny. If I’m gonna be pretty, I’m gonna be PRETTY GOD DAMMIT. 

So the application was easy, they look pretty nice, that’s me in the picture up there. I know I have ugly hands and nails as it is, but I think these help. They definitely don’t take nearly as long as painting your nails, and if you touch the one you just did, it doesn’t smudge, obviously. Super nice for clumsy people. Working with my non-dominant hand was a breeze, there was no fine work going into it. All in all, it took me about 10 minutes, including painting on the top coat.

I’m going to assume these will last about three or four days on my hands. I type for a living, so anything I do to my nails usually comes off about three days faster than anything other people do to their nails. It claims it will last a week. 

So is it worth it?

Nah. The 6.49 price (on sale from 9.99) is just too much. I could buy a bottle of nail polish and fuck my nails up twenty times or so on my own for that price. While cute, I don’t think you get a very good amount for your money. These would be great for an occasional date night or girls’ night out, even a wedding, instead of going to a salon. They’re fun for once in awhile, but I change my nails too often to stick with one thing for a week, even if they did last that long.

All in all, I’m glad I tried them, and now I have a bunch of extra stickers I can throw into my terrible manicures in the future.

Whisky Dick

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I believe it’s time that I introduce you to the love of my life.

Yes, I have a boyfriend.

No, that’s not who I’m referring to.

This guy in the pictures is Whisky Dick O’Reilly.

He’s my best friend.

He sits in my lap when I’m crying and licks my tears away.

He always tries to lay across my keyboard when I’m working.

He loves baths.

He won’t eat unless I pet him first.

He’s a little bit fat.

He has no tail.

Alright, let me give you the full scoop on him, instead of these fun little tidbits that make my heart sing. My boyfriend and I met in December of 2011. I had just moved to Gainesville, Florida from Orlando, Florida in order to be with Evil Ex Boyfriend Number Three. When Jub (my guy now) first saw me, he went home to his roommates and let them know that he called dibs on me when EEB and I broke up. 

He’s psychic, I swear. 

(Goddammit, Whisky, stop licking yourself in front of my monitor, I can’t see what the fuck I’m writing.)

I’ll tell you completely about the story of Jub and I getting together eventually as well. I’m just full of stories. 

So fast forward to June of 2012, Jub and I have been dating for about a week. Life is good. We drink good whisky and go out on dates and write each other poetry and play Minecraft in bed all day while we smoke weed and love on each other. Well, this Wednesday comes along, my payday. He offers to pick me up and take me to cash my check, which we do. Then we go grab some coffee at Maude’s, which has an amazing iced coffee with almond milk and honey and spices that is just drool worthy. Then we go up the road a bit for some reason or another, and barump barump barump flippity thunk thunk screeeeeeeeee his car gets a flat tire. Shiiiiiiiiit. Not willing to let our day go to shit, we both begin calling every person we know in town (which is no small number) to try and find someone with a tire iron that will fit his car. While waiting for callbacks, we walk down the street, towards this little place called Earth Pets. 

Now Earth Pets is no regular pet store. They have all this handmade, organic, farmer’s market, freshly baked pet food. They make their own little toys. And sometimes, just sometimes, they have cats and kittens. They don’t put them to sleep and they don’t torture them. They don’t display them in a hot glass box for hours on end. They’re allowed to roam around the store and get so much love that it’s disgusting. Jub notices me eyeballing the kittens inside, so we walk on in. 

And then I see him.

A tiny, fuzzy, gray and white ball of awesome.

With no freaking tail.

Climbing over the other kittens’ heads and stomping on fuck all everyone because GODDAMIT HE NEEDS TO GET TO ME. 

I fell in love immediately. 

I probably spent about ten or fifteen minutes there, loving this cat with all my heart while the other kittens slept or shat or played frisbee, whatever the fuck. I didn’t care. This was my cat, and I needed him.

This whole time, there was a tiny white cat that was sitting there, and in between squeaking, (not meowing) it would pass out. Just pass right the fuck out. It just made me irritated that this cat could squeak like that and take some small portion of my attention away from this amazing creature in my arms, licking my nose, sitting on my shoulder, then on my head.

We left.

That night, I got piss drunk and told Jub that if he wanted to win my heart, he would get me the tail-less kitten.

I don’t remember saying this.

But I do remember the next day, when I got off of work, Jub telling me to check my Facebook.

And there was the single greatest love letter that has ever been written.

And it was written by my cat.

Hi,

I’m prisoner JB42-0. I would like a name. Once, a man called me O.B.K.B. I really liked it, although I don’t know if it was my real name. I’ve been a prisoner my whole life, and I can just feel, I know, I don’t belong here. I want to belong with you. This cage is a damn asylum of bipolar shittle-dicks, for lack of a doper insult. My only friend is a narcoleptic asshole who passes out standing up, mid conversation, always holding his “I just don’t give a fuck” attitude over my head. And then there’s the squeaking, the god damn squeaking. This piece of shit below me, day and night… It’s not fucking cute anymore, dude. I swear, if I have one more sleepless squeak-filled night, I’m going to lose my shit. Seriously. Take a good look at my pic. I am clearly a kitten on the brink of losing his fucking shit. I’m convinced they took my tail only to better place me among these jerk-face psychopath megalomaniacs. But I’m good. I swear, I’ll be good to you. We’ll rub faces all day in a happiness that borders temporary insanity, involuntarily smiling from ear to ear. Granted, someday I am going to strut around, relishing in the fact that I’m better than you, and clearly convinced I am King Shit up in this motherfucker. But even then I’ll have my moments of weakness, and no matter how tough I get, I will know, I’m your cat. And whenever you need me, I will be overcome with that familiar feeling of pure happiness and be at home in your arms. So what do you say, you want to do dis shit?

 

This was all preceded by a photograph of Jub holding this tiny furball of amazing up to the camera…in his room. 

 

I squealed for about 10 minutes straight.

Not only did I know immediately that this guy I had only recently begun to date was going to be the man I stayed with for the rest of my life, but that he also had given me the greatest give I could ever hope for. 

And he did. 

Whisky Dick O’Reilly. 

Who would sit on my shoulder as I painted murals on my wall. 

Who can’t keep his tongue inside his mouth.

Who refuses to let me be inside of any room with him on the other side of the door. 

Who guards me while I pee.

Who waits by the door for me to come home whenever I’m gone.

Who sleeps on my tummy and licks my nose until it’s red and raw and I don’t even give a fuck.

Because he’s my whole little tiny kind of fat heart-repairing world.

Dole Fruit Smoothie Shakers Review

I’ve recently discovered something wonderful.

I’m a lazy, cheap asshole and don’t own a blender, but I’m addicted to juice and smoothies and blended things. Fuck.

Well, about two or three months ago, I was in Publix buying some concentrated apple juice, which is disgusting by the way, spend the extra two bucks and get some real apple juice. Ya cheap bastards. Anyways, I see this thing, Dole Fruit Smoothie Shakers with real fruit and yogurt, strawberry flavor. It states “Just add juice and shake! No blender needed!” Well fuck me! That’s right up my alley! 

Now I didn’t have high hopes for this nonsense, because I never have high hopes about gimmicky crap, especially not gimmicky food crap, but I figured I’d give it a shot. 

OH YES.

Now I drink V8 Splash Diet religiously. It’s only got 10 calories per serving, and I pretty much just have the bottle next to me throughout the day, and the entire bottle is only 80 calories. So I can juice it up without wrecking myself with liquid calories. I grabbed a bottle of Berry Blend and threw a couple of these newfangled Shakers into my cart. 

Alright, so I get home and read the directions. I’m supposed to shake it before adding juice, to get the clumps less clumpy. Sure, no problem. Shake, shake, shake. I do that, and then see the little fill line where I add my juice. You can make it EXTRA THICK or just plain THICK. Well. Come on. Would you pick thick over extra thick? Fuck no you wouldn’t. Everybody wants something thicker than regular thick. Thick, thick, thick.  I’m done, I’ll stop with that now. So I pour in my juice, and proceed to shake it for the suggested 30-45 seconds. I actually really like this part. I pretend that I have one of those Shake Weights, and I like to shake it up in front of my boyfriend while making suggestive faces. But it’s never really sexy because I’m shaking too vigorously and trying to get it perfect. Eh. I try. Kind of. 

After about a minute of shaking, I take the lid off, and surprise, surprise, this shit is actually super thick! WHAT! It’s like I went to freaking Tropical Smoothie and ordered a fresh one, only instead of costing twenty bucks for that shit, it cost me like one buck. Because they were two for $1.99 that day. And every day since. Because since that first sip, I’ve been hooked. I now buy about 7 per grocery trip, which means I have one every morning for breakfast. They’re actually delicious, and pretty hard to fuck up, unless you WAY overfill it. And even then, it’s like drinking a smoothie that’s been sitting on your desk for an hour. Still delicious, just not thick. Shit. I couldn’t help that one. There’s a ton of different flavors, but I usually stick with strawberry because that way whatever flavor my V8 is, I won’t fuck up my smoothie. Oh, awesome fact? The shaker itself contains 90 calories. My juice contains 10. This is a 100 calorie breakfast that gives me energy and keeps me going for the early part of the day. (I’ve mostly given up caffeine, but more on that later.)

My verdict? Go out and try one. If you don’t like it, hell, you can always send it to me. I’ll drink it. These things are magic, and perfect for the non-blender-endowed consumer like myself.

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Epsom Enchantment

So I’m in my bathtub right now. Yum, right? WRONG.
I woke up with the gnarliest headache today. It stemmed from a pain in my neck. Which in turn spawned from a nasty place directly underneath and centered from my shoulder blades.

All the lights are out, my phone is set to be as dimly lit as possible. It’s perfectly silent, save for the sporadic drip drop from my faucet.

And I’m in a heavenly aromatherapy bliss pool, even with the ache in my back/neck/head, which is slowly, but surely waning. Thank you, Doctor Teal’s Epsom Salt Solution with rosemary & mint.

I actually picked this bag up a few weeks ago at Publix on a whim. I have always enjoyed the benefits of Epsom salts. They make my hands and feet soft before I do my nails, so my mani/pedi pics come out lovelier than normal. It’s good for aches and pains and constipation and drawing out bee stings and what-have-you. So I figured I’d grab a bag to just have in the house.

I didn’t realize it was aromatherapy!

So I’ve got my bathtub filled and steamy, and I’ve dumped in about a quarter of the bag, because it’s only five dollars for three pounds, and I like to pretend that money means nothing. And the scent has filled my entire bathroom and out to the bedroom, which I noticed only because I forgot my towel and ran naked into the room to grab one and was surprised by how delightful the house had decided to start smelling.
The funny thing is, it’s not super powerful, it just has good…wafting power, I suppose, for lack of a better word.

So you know it smells fantastic, but does it work?!
As of now, I’ve been pruning it up for about thirty minutes, and the scent has definitely worked wonders on my throbbin noggin. Headache is gone. And my back still hurts a bit, but it’s more of a dull ache than a stabbing “Fuck you, Brenna! FEEL THE PAIN! MUHAHAHAHA!” Or whatever it is that pain thinks.

So the verdict is that this stuff is totally worth five bucks, and makes you feel relaxed, and also you don’t wanna get out of the bath even though the water is cold and your boyfriend needs to pee, because you feel like you’re in a fucking spa, and who doesn’t want that?

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Yes to Tomatoes Moisturizer Review

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I’m a huge fan of moisturizers. I live in Florida, where it is exceptionally humid absolutely ALL of the time. Despite this fact, my face does stupid things. Like my nose gets oily. Or my cheeks get dry. Or my skin feels like the winds of the Sahara are scorching across it, even though I’ve been sitting in my bathtub, steaming, for an hour. It’s not that I get acne, ever. I don’t break out. I just get oily or dry or red at the most inopportune moments.

I have no problems spending a good bit of money on a wonderful face moisturizer, because it’s my goddamn face. I’m proud of this face. It’s a good face. It gets me places. Like out of bed. Because I’m not a dog. The rest of my body I could take or leave, but this face? Needs to be taken care of.

My all time favorite moisturizer is by Dr. Ci Labo. Holy mother of god. That company knows how to make my face feel like god himself touched it every morning. I never had a red nose. Or oily nose. I never had dry cheeks. My makeup always went on smooth. But in order to buy the whole system, I’d be spending several hundreds of dollars, and I’m not a big baller guys. Sorry.

So after scraping my lotion pot dry, and not knowing what to do, I picked up Say Yes to Carrots: Say Yes to Tomatoes moisturizer at Walgreens. It was around $17. I picked it up because it says “For acne-prone skin”, and while I’m not acne-prone, I’m oil-prone, and that seemed like a good idea.

IT WAS.

This stuff doesn’t look or smell like tomatoes. Although it claims to be fragrance free, I’ve detected a very light, perfume-y scent that fades almost as soon as you put it on. It’s got lycopene, watermelon and red tea, as well as tomatoes, obviously. It’s mostly organic and doesn’t have any added dyes.

It completely balanced out my skin. My nose and cheeks are the same. Moisturized without being heavy and liquid-feeling on my face. It absorbs quickly. The lotion sucks right into my skin, without having to use a lot. It feels good and definitely isn’t oily or overbearing. Some lotions just feel like I rub grease into my face and then it dries a little bit.

I’ve been using Say Yes to Tomatoes for about two months now, and while it’s no Dr. Ci Labo, it is definitely a win. No problems here, and my skin looks great. No unexpected breakouts or dry patches. My skin isn’t flaky anywhere. I use it before I use my BB cream and foundation, after washing my face.

If you have combination skin, I would highly recommend giving this a try. If anything, you don’t like it, send it to me. I’ll use the hell out of it.

my candle

I never thought that I would write happy poetry.

I hate that word.

Happy.

It sounds so naïve and juvenile.

I figured I would always be broken inside. Always drunk or stoned or blowing up or chasing the high I haven’t had since I was thirteen years old, rolling on the floor of my best friend’s house. Her sisters thinking I was crazy. I sat on the waterbed and inhaled air freshener and duster and laughed and laughed. I drank rum straight from a tiny bottle and smoked stolen joints while incense billowed up around us. I think my first time was so good that I pursued it for twelve years. I didn’t realize that being in love does the same thing.

I fancied myself in love so many times. The one who lasted, until I actually got him and saw how terrifying he really was. The gruesome man-child who granted me an extended hospital stay, courtesy of a boot to my face. The boy who loved me to the point of obsession, causing me to pity him.

But this…This love is different. I roll on the floor, shrieking with laughter. No thoughts or cares, no paranoia or fear or anxiety or depression. It’s like being a new teenager, smoking joints that my friend’s mom had hidden in her room, paper crackling as sweet smoke coils up inside my lungs. Exhaling in a rush because I can’t hold the joy in any longer. The high I’ve been chasing, it wasn’t inside of a bottle, or behind a venue, or in a bong, or heated up in a spoon. The high I’ve been chasing was love.

Reciprocated. Innocent. Free. Natural. I suppose happy would be the right word, because I feel naïve and juvenile. Like nothing can hurt me. Like the world is mine, but with no anger behind it.

I don’t want to burn this city. I want to bring light to it, and show everyone how easy it is to hold perfection.